Stream of Lies: 15% truth by volume

DID YOU KNOW? featuring Emma!

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:46:39 GMT

Emma: Did you know that the common mountain lion, Puma concolor, is known by many names? Yes, in different areas of North America, this majestic cat is known as the puma, the cougar, the catamount, and even the Florida panther! You can use this advantage to your knowledge.

Police officer: What happened to you?
Co-worker #1: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a cougar.
Police officer: And you?
Co-worker #2: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a puma.
Police officer: And what about you?
Co-worker #3: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a catamount.
Police officer: I see no connection.

Emma is holding a shirt labeled "Co-worker #4" in front of a mountain lion's nose. The mountain lion has the words "Florida panther" painted on its side.

Emma: Here, boy. Get the scent. ... Oh, we're back! You can learn more about these remarkable creatures at your local library or online. Tune in next time for another installment of DID YOU KNOW? featuring me, Emma!

Emma, smiling at the camera, makes hand motions to the mountain lion. It bounds away, stage left. Soon we hear human screams from the same direction.

Emma: Tee hee.

An Interruption

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 19:30:53 GMT

We interrupt our current storyline...

Lena: What current storyline?

Quiet, you. We interrupt our current storyline to bring you this.

Emma: Hey Solies. Ready for lunch? Hey, you shaved off your goatee!

The clean-shaven Solies turns to face Emma.

Solies: ... Oh, it's Emma. How disappointing.
Emma: Solies? Disappointed to see me?

Just then a second, goateed, Solies walks through the door. He is wearing a Red Sox hat.

Solies: Emma! Wow, I'm never disappointed to see you. I... hey, who's that?

The clean-shaven Solies smarmily puts on a New York Yankees hat.

Emma: Gasp! It must be... Negative Solies!
Solies: The legends are true!
Negative Solies: Bwa ha ha!

To be continued. Or possibly not.

The Flyers

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:33:53 GMT

Solies is attaching a flyer to a wall with a staple gun. The flyer features a photograph of a turkey along with the text "HAVE YOU SEEN ME?". He moves a few feet down and attaches a second, identical flyer. Lena is a few feet behind him, sitting in a comfy chair. She looks up from the book she is reading.

Lena: You know, Solies, I have some experience with marketing campaigns, and I just don't think you're using your resources as effectively as you could be.
Solies: I just want to get the word out about Tim.
Lena: Of course you do. But I don't think this is the right way to go about it. I mean, as popular as I am, I just feel that you'll get more people to see your flyers if you post them outside my house.

Solies looks around. He is in Lena's living room. Every square inch of the walls is covered with a flyer.

Solies: (dejected) Oh, it's hopeless. Tim won't be back. "Son, y'all cain't never trust a turkey to come home," as dear Ma Solies used to say.
Lena: She used to say that? Because that's kind of an odd thing to repeatedly say.
Solies: But what hurts the most isn't the personal betrayal or the large and ultimately useless investment in Turkey Chow.... No, what hurts the most is that I let down the blog. I can just picture the hordes of little Stream of Lies viewers... their little eyes brimming with tears... "No, little Suzie. No, little Elmer. Tim the Turkey won't be on Stream of Lies Tonight."
Lena: You might be making too big of a deal out of this. After all, you never had a mascot before. Or hordes of little kid fans. In fact, you still don't. And besides, there are about a million animals regularly featured in the blog. Can't you just pick one of them?
Solies: Lena! You're a genius!

Solies beats it out the door.

Lena: Honestly, that's the last time I let him borrow my staple gun.

A verbatim conversation

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:23:33 GMT

Solies: I started a new origami blog.
Blinky: Oh, did your last blog fold?
Solies: ...
Blinky: Thank you. I'll be here all week.

I beam for eye beams

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:37:58 GMT

Emma, dressed suspiciously like Emma Frost: So. You've come.
Cyclops, looking suspiciously like Scott Marsden: Don't act so coy. You knew I wouldn't be able to stay away.
Emma: But what about Jean?
Cyclops: How could I even look at her when you're near? You know how I feel.
Emma: Do I?

Cyclops embraces Emma roughly.

Cyclops: Oh, I think you do.
Emma: Oh, Cyclops!
Cyclops: Oh, Emma!

Slowly, their lips near. Abruptly, an alarm sounds.

Emma: Huh?
Cyclops: Egad, that's the proximity alarm! The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants must be attacking! Quick, to the X-Jet!

Cyclops discards Emma like an old Big Mac wrapper and races off.

Emma: Proximity alarm?

The dream fades away as Emma wakes up to the sound of her alarm clock.

Emma: Darn it!

Blinking disappointedly, she takes in her surroundings. Jumpie is alseep next to her.

Emma: (poking) Psst, Jumpie.
Jumpie: Zzzzvrlxzz.
Emma: (poking harder) Jumpie!
Jumpie: Zzhwah? Huh?

Jumpie opens his eyes. Emma is visibly disappointed.

Jumpie: What? What's going on?
Emma: Nothing.
Jumpie: ... Were you checking to see if I had laser eye beams again?
Emma: No... (downcast) yes.
Jumpie: You know, I find it upsetting... nay, disturbing to know that you'd like me better if I mutated.
Emma: Not if you mutated. Just if you mutated in one specific way so as to resemble a fictional character from a child's comic book.
Jumpie: Oh, that's fine then. (returns to sleep)

The Case of the Masticated Mascot

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 14:40:29 GMT

Blinky is standing inside a spacious ballroom, packed with people in formal court dress. Queen Elizabeth II is placing a medal around his neck. In the audience we see such celebrities as the Duke of York, Sir Ian McKellan, and Iggy Pop.

HM the Queen: We dub thee Sir Blinksalot.
Iggy Pop: Rock on!

A cell phone goes off to the tune of "Merrily We Roll Along".

Blinky: Oops, 'scuse me. (answers) Hiya, Chief!
Chief: (on the phone) Blinky, come to my office right away. I have a case for you.
Blinky: Right away, chief! (hangs up) Sorry, Toots, but duty calls.

Blinky runs and leaps through a stained glass window.

Blinky: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa... (splash)
HM the Queen: What a strange person.

...

Solies is standing inside a spacious ballroom, packed with people in formal military dress. Princess Leia is placing a medal around his neck. In the audience we see such celebrities as Grand Moff Tarkin, Chewbacca, and Admiral Ackbar.

Princess Leia: I dub thee Sir Solenoid.

A cell phone goes off to the tune of "Ana Ng".

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!
Solies: Oops, 'scuse me. (answers) Hey there, Chief!
Chief: (on the phone) Solies, come to my office right away. I have a case for you.
Solies: Uh...

Solies looks up at Princess Leia. She winks back.

Solies: Say, Chief, can this wait for a day or so? I've got a hot date tonight...
Chief: I don't care if you've got plans to go skinny-dipping with Bill the Cat! Get over here now! Now! Now! Now! ...

The scene fades. We see Solies laying in bed. The Chief is standing over him, screaming into a megaphone.

Chief: ... Now! Now! Now! Get up now, Solies!
Solies: Hey man, what are you doing in my room?
Chief: Never mind that. Just get dressed and get to my office pronto! (leaves)
Solies: Wow. It really was a trap.

...

The Chief is sitting at his desk, doing paperwork. There is a knock at the door. It opens. Blinky and Solies enter. They are both wearing medals around their necks.

Blinky: You sent for us, Bernard?
Chief: Bernard? Call me "Chief." And yes I... Solies, where did you get that med... never mind, I don't want to know. Sit down.

Blinky and Solies sit.

Chief: I'm putting you on a missing persons case. You know Tim the Turkey?
Solies: The lovable mascot of Stream of Lies? Who doesn't know Tim the Turkey!
Chief: Well, he's gone missing.
Solies: Gasp!

Blinky shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

Chief: This is the latest photograph we have of Tim. As you can see, he looks much more upset, hairy, and gagged than usual. And his feathers are duct-taped on. He looks sort of gibbonesque.
Blinky: (nervously) Isn't that just part of his religious observance?
Chief: That's what his PR person said, but the police department suspects it's a double. That's what I want you two dolts to investigate.
Solies: Any clues, Chief?
Chief: Just this. (holds up a fork in a plastic bag) A fork emblazoned with the Madison family coat of arms, found at Tim's last public engagement.
Solies: No need to worry, Chief... Blinky and Solies are on the case!

Solies breaks out laughing. He high-fives Blinky. Blinky leaves him hanging. They exit.

Chief: Ugh, what loons. But maybe they'll find the little buzzard. (addressing a flat frog in a frame on the wall) What do you think, Froggy?
Froggy:
Chief: You're right. He's doomed.

The Chief returns to his paperwork. The camera slowly pans over to the window, where we see a trenchcoated man lurking in the shadows. Freeze frame -- End Act I -- roll commercial.

The Mascot

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 02:30:27 GMT

Solies: Hello and welcome back to Stream of Lies. As you probably noticed, Stream of Lies was on hiatus for retooling...
Lena: Which means Solies wasn't giving us our paychecks.
Solies: Quiet you. Anyway, that's all over now. The coming year will feature more thrills, more drama, and even more comedy (12% new) than before. We're expecting 2008 to be our best year ever, right gang?
Lena (aka "the gang"): Woo.
Solies: Well said. So now we'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the new Stream of Lies mascot, Tim the Turkey! (applauds) Blinky, bring out Tim. ... Blinky!

Blinky emerges from the back. He is wearing a bib and gnawing on a big, meaty drumstick.

Blinky: What's all the hubbub, bub?
Solies: It's time to introduce our new mascot, Tim the Turkey. You were the one taking care of him, right?
Blinky: Oh, yeah. He was delicious.
Solies: You... you ate Tim? You ate our mascot?
Blinky: Mascot? Ahh... nooooo. I was just testing... your hearing! I'd never eat that little main course. He's perfectly safe and tasty... HEALTHY! I said healthy. I'll... I'll just go get him, shall I?
Solies: Please do.

Blinky goes behind the curtain. There is a brief pause. We hear voices coming from the back. "I certainly will not! Are you deranged?" "C'mere, you little rodent!" We hear the unmistakable sounds of a scuffle. Finally, emerges from the back.

Solies: Ah, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Tim the Turkey!
Blinky: Yessiree Bob, what we've got here is one gen-yoo-ine turkey, Meleagris capucinus. Nothing fake here.
Solies: Uh, is Tim ok? He looks sort of... upset. And hairy. And gagged. With his feathers duct-taped on.
Blinky: It's part of his religious observance. Show some sensitivity!
Solies: Oh! My apologies. ... Mazeltov.
Tim the Turkey: Mmph!
Solies: So, Tim, how about a few words for our audience.
Tim the Turkey: Mmph!
Solies: Very touching. From all of us here at Stream of Lies, thanks for tuning in. Good night.

The Conversation

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 23:02:58 GMT

Blinky and Emma are standing next to a watercooler. Blinky's hair and clothes are singed, and smoke is coming off the top of his head.

Emma: Why are you still smouldering?
Blinky: Beats me. Oh, by the way, I talked to Solies last week.
Emma: Squee! It's true! He has returned to save us from the... the... um... hm. Why has he returned?
Blinky: What am I, Emma's personal Help Desk? All I know is I talked to him.
Emma: Fine, then. So, how is he?
Blinky: ...
Emma: You asked him how he was, didn't you?
Blinky: Not in so many words.
Emma: Men! So, what's he up to?
Blinky: ...
Emma: What are his plans for the new year?
Blinky: ...
Emma: Did he miss us?
Blinky: ...
Emma: Argh! What exactly did you talk about?
Blinky: Oh, it was great! We compared notes on rib take-out places in the greater Boston area. For 5 hours.
Emma: And?
Blinky: That's all.
Emma: (enraged) Why couldn't you have been born a woman? At least then I could have gotten some useful information out of this conversation!
Blinky: Hey, don't yell at me! I didn't ask to be born a man. In fact, I always wanted to be... a lumberjack!
Emma: Actually, I think most lumberjacks are men.
Blinky: Really? Woo hoo! (dons a took) I'm headed to British Columbia! I'll see you losers in your necktie prisons later!

With a mighty leap, Blinky bounds away, swinging from tree to tree.

Emma: ...but I don't wear a necktie. Oh well.

Meet Blinky Madison

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 15:09:36 GMT

Blinky and Solies are standing next to a watercooler. Blinky's hair and clothes are singed, and smoke is coming off the top of his head.

Blinky: ...and once they started shooting fire at me, I took off running, dooming my companions to a lifetime of slavery. Sad, really. How was your weekend?
Solies: Not bad, not bad. I'm still trying to get used to this crazy future world of yours.
Blinky: You were only in that iceberg ten months. What's different?
Solies: Oh, everything! I mean, back in the past (where I come from) we had live-action documentaries about penguins. Here in the future you have cartoons about them.
Blinky: I never realized. The shock must have been horrific.
Solies: It's worse! In the past, it only took me five minutes to drive to the nearest swing dance hall. But now the nearest one is ten minutes away!
Blinky: Horrible!
Solies: But worst of all... sob, choke...
Blinky: Let it out, man.
Solies: ...my car has slightly more rust on it that before!

Trembling, Blinky falls to his knees. The camera cuts to a crane shot twirling high above him as he screams to the heavens.

Blinky: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Solies: I know, I know.
Blinky: (standing up) Well, that's all the time I have for that. I've got to get back to work. Mr. Spacely likes me to be prompt.

Blinky pushes a button on his briefcase. It transforms into a retro-60's-futuristic spaceshift. He climbs inside and flies away.

Solies: Well, at least some things stay the same.

The Return of Solies

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 15:26:56 GMT

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the Four Nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed, and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, an airbender named Solies. And although his airbending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he's ready to save anyone. But I believe Solies can save the world.

Sokka: Do it again! Show us your awesome airbending skills again!
Solies: (whistling) Fweet!
Katara and Sokka: Amazing!
Solies: It's easy. You just put your lips together... and blow.
Sokka: He really is the Avatar!
Katara: Great! So now you can lead us in our fight against the vicious Fire Nation.
Solies: I do what now?
Sokka: The Fire Nation. It's a huge place filled with angry people who shoot fire out of their hands.
Katara: Mostly at you.
Sokka: Yeah. So let's go!
Solies: Yeah, about that, I was thinking... y'know... of not doing that.
Katara: Look, we thawed you out of that iceberg you were stuck in for the last hundred years.
Solies: Ten months.
Katara: Hundred years. Therefore you're the Avatar and you have to go face certain death, or at least massive third-degree burns, to save our people.
Solies: I don't like this deal.
Sokka: Look. We thawed you out. You owe us. You're abusing the special bond between thawer and thawee.
Solies: I have an idea. What if I get you a replacement Avatar?
Katara and Sokka: Hmm...

Later...

Blinky: (whistling) Fweet!
Katara and Sokka: Amazing!
Blinky: It's easy. You just put your lips together... and blow.
Sokka: He really is the... I mean, an Avatar!
Katara: Great! So now you can lead us in our fight against the vicious Fire Nation.
Blinky: I do what now?

The Contest, part 9

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 19:47:17 GMT

PRESS RELEASE

02/10/2006 2:42 PM ET

Blinky rejoins Stream of Lies as Executive Vice President/Dreamy One

CHELMSFORD -- Stream of Lies today announced that Blinky has returned to the blog with the title and responsibilities of Executive Vice President/Dreamy One. President/CEO Screech made the announcement. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed.

Nigel and Bubba, who shared the role of Dreamy One during much of the time Blinky was away from the blog, will stay on in key leadership positions within the Blog Operations Department. Nigel has been named Assistant Dreamy One, and Bubba has been named Vice President/Prowling.

Steve and Lena Mermaid, who also played an integral role in directing the Blog Operations Department during much of the offseason, will remain with Stream of Lies, Steve as Special Advisor/Blog Operations and Mermaid as Vice President/International Scouting and Special Assistant to the Dreamy One.

We now join the press conference, already in progress.

Principal Owner Solies: On behalf of all of the partners as well as the entire management of Stream of Lies, I can tell you that we are exceedingly happy to have Blinky returning as Dreamy One. Despite the attempts of some to portray Blinky's return as a win for someone and a loss for someone else, this is a win-win situation. As Blinky said in his press conference, and as we have all repeated, there never was a power struggle between Screech and Blinky. It was simply mythology. I can assure you as we move forward that Screech's role has not changed at all, and no Dreamy One in blogging could ask for more autonomy than Blinky has. This has never been an issue for us -- only in the media.

I have certainly made mistakes in the past by not being more assertive when bumps in the road appeared. Screech, Blinky and other top blog personalities do not need me in order to excel at what they do...
President/CEO Screech: Correct.
Principal Owner Solies: Quiet, you. ...but I have a responsibility to ensure that divergent views and our overall direction lead to a better and stronger blog. We've averaged winning more than zero blog awards a year since we started the blog. We've listened to the fans and improved the fan experience greatly. As from the beginning of our stewardship, we remain committed to fulfilling Stream of Lies Nation's hopes and dreams for the future.
Chairwoman Emma: This is a very happy day for Stream of Lies fans. I have always had great regard for Screech and Blinky, but my respect for both of them has significantly increased as I have witnessed them work through issues which have resulted in a strong, shared commitment going forward. We are a more united leadership group today, and I am very confident that this will translate into both in-blog and off-blog success.
President/CEO Screech: Stream of Lies is a stronger, deeper, bolder, and more effective blog now that Blinky has rejoined us as Dreamy One, and that strength, depth, boldness, and effectiveness will lead to successful blogging in the years ahead. Blinky returns as Dreamy One to a blog that is different from the one he left on December 7. The longstanding year relationship between that peasent and me, and the passage of time over the last three months, have helped to put behind us the friction that developed during last year's negotiations. We have been comfortable assuring each other that a productive collaboration lies ahead, and we pledge to Stream of Lies Nation that we will devote our combined energy, undistracted, to the goal of producing a team that will continue -- and increase -- our competitive success for years to come. SCREECH!

Pause as Executive Vice President/Dreamy One Blinky stares off into space.

Principal Owner Solies: Uh, Blinky? Your turn. Blinky? Blinky? ...

INSIDE BLINKY'S MIND
Bird: Tweet tweet.

Principal Owner Solies: Um, ok then, why don't you go ahead, Nigel?
Assistant Dreamy One Nigel: Prrgrrrrr.
Vice President/Prowling Bubba: Grrprrrrr.
Emma, Screech, and Blinky, in perfect unison: We all owe a debt of gratitude to Nigel and Bubba, and to Lena Mermaid, Steve and the entire Blog Operations department for their leadership, hard work, and selflessness over the last eight weeks.
Solies: Wow, that sounded great! Those enunciation lessons have really paid off.
Emma, Screech, and Blinky, in perfect unison: Thanks!

The Contest, part 8

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 18:44:22 GMT

PRESS RELEASE

02/03/2006 1:43 PM ET

BLINKY REJOINS STREAM OF LIES

CHELMSFORD -- Stream of Lies today announced that Blinky will rejoin the blog.

Principal Owner Solies, Chairman Emma, President/CEO Screech and Blinky issued the following joint statement:

"As you know, we have spoken frequently during the last 8 weeks. We have engaged in healthy, spirited debates about what it will take over the long-term for Stream of Lies to remain a great blog and, in fact, become a more effective blog in philosophy, approaches and ideals. Ironically, Blinky's departure has brought us closer together in many respects, and, thanks to these conversations, we now enjoy the bonds of a shared vision for the blog's future that did not exist on December 7. With this vision in place, Blinky will return to Stream of Lies in a full-time blog operations capacity, details of which will be announced next week."

Stream of Lies and Blinky will have no further comment until next week.

Steve: I find this highly unsatisfying.
Solies: Quiet, you.

The Contest, part 7

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 21:16:56 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are sitting alone before a stage, holding clipboards. Boris is on stage calmly smoking.

Lanna: He does look like George Clooney.
Wanda: And sound like Ricardo Montalban.
Boris: Da, da.
Lena: Ricardo Montalban from an alternate universe where everyone is Ukrainian, maybe.
Emma: Thank you, Boris, that will be all.
Boris: Eh, whatever. (exits, stage left)
Wanda: Well, that's the last of them. It's time to make our decision.
Lena: Do we even need to have a discussion? I mean, I think we all know who the winner is.
Lanna: True, true.
Emma: Fine, then. I'll alert everyone, and then we can go have a pajama party.

Emma moves to a machine that has two buttons, labeled "White Smoke" and "Black Smoke". Emma pushes the "White Smoke" button.

Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Yay, pajamas!

The next day, we see the assembled men of Widget Inc. milling about before a stage with curtains drawn.

Men: Murmur murmur murmur.
Solies: Hey Steve, are you murmuring?
Steve: I'm actually saying "walla". I have thespian experience, remember?
Solies: Oh yeah.

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda appear on stage.

Emma: We have made our decision.
Men: Hooray!
Emma: Stream of Lies' new Dream One is...

The curtain pulls back to reveal...

Emma: ...Nigel and Bubba!

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda applaud. The men are silent.

Cricket: Chirp, chirp, chirp.
Takis: Mountain lions?
Jan: Cave lions!
Takis: You passed all us hunky guys over for mountain lions?
Doug: Well, they are dreamy.

Everyone stares at Doug.

Doug: What? Can't a guy look at things objectively?
Nigel and Bubba: Prrgrrrrprrr!
Emma: So adorable!
Lena: They're like enormous, deadly kittens!
Wanda: Nigel and Bubba are hereby named co-Dreamy Ones of Stream of Lies.

Lanna places huge tiaras on the cats.

Emma: Thank you for coming. You are all dismissed.

Emma, Lena, Lanna, Wanda, Nigel, and Bubba exit.

Steve: I find this highly unsatisfying.
Takis: Me too. Hey, give it up, Boris.

Boris is wriggling into a small mountain lion costume. He looks up.

Boris: What?
Takis: Everyone knows mountain lions don't smoke. They dip. (hands Boris a tin of Skoal)
Boris: Don't smoke? Bah. (exits)

The Contest, part 6

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 18:28:27 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are sitting alone before a stage, holding clipboards. Jumpie is on stage furiously doing the Time Warp.

Jumpie: Just a jump to the left... heh heh.
Emma: Very good, sweetie.

Emma tosses Jumpie a matzo ball. He gulps it out of midair.

Wanda: I'm sorry, Jumpie, but as I keep telling you, family (including husbands) of the judges are strictly prohibited from the contest.
Emma: Darn it!
Jumpie: I shall be avenged!

With a mighty leap, Jumpie exits stage left.

Wanda: Next!

Marvin walks on stage. He is wearing a powder blue polyester tuxedo and a big button that says "My other suit is a Starfleet Dress Uniform."

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Noooooooooo!
Marvin: (waves) Hi girls. I'm here for the dreamy audition.
Lena: Mister Marvin, will you please go now!
Marvin: But wait! I prepared a talent. See? Here's my polyhedral dice. (produces a dice bag) I can roll a natural 20 in one out of every 18 tries. That's an 11 percent improvement over the average roleplayer. Here, I'll show you! (starts rolling) Nope... nope... nope... nope...
Emma: Must we bear witness to this?
Lanna: Heck no! Want me to "Go Lanna" on him?
Wanda: Not yet. Hey Marvin, what game is that, exactly? Dungeons and Dragons? Vampire the Masquerade?
Marvin: Oh, it's a new one I just got, called "Blue Mass".
Emma: Eww...
Marvin: You play an attendee navigating the inner politics of the Massachusetts Democratic Party at a caucus. You can play a college student, a union boss, or even a "Keep Your Laws Off My Body" bumper sticker magnate.
Lena: Squee! Marvin, you have to let me play!
Marvin: Sure!

Lena rushes the stage as her head emits small cartoon hearts. She and Marvin gleefully launch into a new game of Blue Mass.

Lena: Oh Marvin. Tee hee.
Emma: What a revoltin' development.
Lanna: You said it, Ben Grimm.
Wanda: I agree. We need to break this up.

Lena clutches the game to her bosom and hisses at the other judges.

Wanda: She'll thank us later. Now, who's going in?

Emma and Lanna shake their heads. Jumpie appears.

Jumpie: I can break this up... for a price. I want to be reinstated as an eligible contestant.
Wanda: Ugh. Look, we've been over this...
Jumpie: Alright, then. Have fun at Lena and Marvin's wedding.

There is dead silence broken only by Lena giggling "Oh Marvin".

Lanna: You got yourself a deal. Now get in there!
Jumpie: Bonsai!

Lanna and Wanda stare at Emma.

Emma: Well, he is a gardener.

Jumpie leaps into the gaming couple. A scuffle ensues. When the dust settles, we see Jumpie rolling dice with Lena and Marvin.

Jumpie: All right! A natural 20! My untenured professor character has successfully influenced the PAC head! I bet I'm, like, 11 percent better at rolling natural 20's than the average roleplayer!
Marvin: Curses!
Emma: Well, you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em...
Lanna: Hey, who said we can't beat 'em? Hi-ya!

With naught but a faint "yip", Lena, Marvin, and Jumpie fly offstage.

Emma and Wanda: Hooray for karate! Hooray for the polyhedral die!
Lanna: What? I'll show you a polyhedral die! (karate chops the air)
Emma and Wanda: Uh, we meant, hooray for Lanna! Yes, that's the ticket!
Lanna: Hooray!

The Contest, part 5

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:24:23 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are sitting alone before a stage, holding clipboards.

Wanda: Next!

Robert walks on stage.

Robert: Hello. (waves)
Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Oooh!
Emma: He's dreamy!
Lena: So cute!
Wanda: And cuddly!
Lanna: Like a big teddy bear!
Robert: Thanks Aunt Lanna!
Emma, Lena, and Wanda: Huh?
Emma: Wait... Robert is Korean-Brazilian. How exactly are you his aunt?
Lanna: Korea... Poland... what's the dif? The people of both lands are short, strong, thrifty, stubborn, and polite. The winters are stupid cold, and the summers are freaking hot! And we've maintained our ethnic identities despite centuries of laboring under various conquerors (to wit, Germany, Austria, Russia, Japan, and China). It's the union of the cabbage and pork eating countries! Hail!
Robert: (fist in the air) Poland forever! Can I have my pierogie now?
Lanna: Here sweetie.

Lanna tosses Robert a pierogie. He gulps it out of midair.

Wanda: Well, unfortunately, family of the judges are strictly prohibited from the contest. I'm afraid Robert is disqualified.
Lanna: What?
Emma: Aww, but he's so cute. See?

Robert makes his "pouty face".

Wanda: I'm sorry, but the rules must be followed.
Lanna: Oh yeah? Follow my fist! Hi-ya!

With a faint "yip", Wanda flies across the room.

Lanna: Have another pierogie, sweety.

Lanna tosses Robert a pierogie. He gulps it out of midair.

Emma, Lena, and Robert: Yay! Hooray for the pierogie!
Lanna: Hooray for the pierogie? What about hooray for Lanna? Hi-ya!

With three faint "yips", Emma, Lena, and Robert fly across the room.

Lanna: Oh for Pete's sake! Once again, everyone in the room is unconscious, and I still have a whole bucket of pierogies. Oh well. (leaves)

The Contest, part 4

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 20:54:55 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are sitting alone before a stage, holding clipboards.

Wanda: Next!

Screech walks on stage.

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Next!
Screech: Dissapointed sigh. (exits)
Lena: How I loathe it.
Lanna: Yeah, I heard.

Matthew McConaughey walks on stage.

Lena: Oh my! It's People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, Matthew McConaughey!
Matthew McConaughey: Hi ladies.
Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Dreamy sigh.
Emma: He's so dreamy.
Lena: And cute.
Lanna: And sexy.
Wanda: And long-haired.
Emma: I think we have a winner. Congratulations, Matthew! I hereby award you the title of Stream of Lies' Dreamy O...
Lanna: Hold it, Emma! Does that Matthew McConaughey look familiar to you?

The camera zooms in on Matthew McConaughey. It is actually Co-Worker #6 in disguise.

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanna: Steve!
Steve: Darn. You found me out.
Lanna: Ew! Ew!
Lena: Oh yuck!
Wanda: My eyes!
Emma: Steve, I'm going to belt you!

Emma charges the stage.

Steve: Uh oh. Time for this bird to fly.

Steve produces an umbrella. The umbrella sprouts a whirling helicopter blade. Steve lifts off and flies away.

Steve: (off in the distance) Wack wack wack wack!
Emma: Ok, that didn't make any sense at all.
Wanda: Well, best to get on with it. Next!

Burt Ward walks on stage.

Burt Ward: Hi. Is this the set of "Batman 6: Bat Harder"?
Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: Next!

The Contest, part 3

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 19:08:54 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are sitting alone before a stage, holding clipboards.

Wanda: Next!

Takis appears on stage.

Takis: Well, I am here.
Lena: Oh no. Not him again.
Takis: I am here to audition for your Greek chorus.
Emma: It's not an audition for a Greek chorus, Takis. It's an audition to take over Blinky's position as the Dreamy One in Stream of Lies.
Takis: And is there any reason you can't use a real Greek? (claps hands together) Of course not! So, what is this all about? Some kind of beauty pageant? I'm totally up for it. I'm ready for the talent portion. I brought my egret... did you know I have an egret in my back yard? Well, it's here now. I trained it to perch on my head. You want me to bring him out?
Wanda: (charmed) Ooh, what kind of egret?
Takis: I don't know, it's big and white. It likes to eat snails. It must be a French bird. Huh? Huh? Hootie hoo!
Lanna: (also charmed) He is swarthy, you gotta give him that.
Emma, Lena, and Wanna: Uh huh.
Takis: So, do I get the part or not?
Lena: We'll be in touch.
Takis: Hey, great. Or should I say "Hey, egret!" Heh heh. A little humor to lighten the mood. Seriously, you all are beautiful. I mean that. So let me know, huh? All right!

Takis exits.

Wanda: Next!

Doug appears on stage holding four pies.

Doug: My wife made you these apple pies.
Emma: And we have a new front runner!
Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda: (eating pie) Hooray!
Doug: And only slightly rancid!

The Contest, part 1

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 22:02:02 GMT

Emma, Lena, Lanna, and Wanda are hanging out in Emma's cube in the old Widgets Inc. building.

Emma: Boy, it sure is quiet around here since Blinky got tired of hanging out in this abandoned building and got a new job.

Meanwhile, we see Blinky reclining in his new cube at MathCo.

Blinky: Ah. My liberal arts education and master's degree in Sumerian philosophy has given me all the preparation I need for a cushy job at MathCo!

Blinky leans back, reading a "Highlights for Children".

Blinky: Heh heh heh. Oh Goofus... when will you ever learn!

Back at ex-Widgets Inc...

Wanda: Well, he's gone. He's gone, and nothing we do can bring him back!
Lanna: Other than hoarding chocolates.
Lena: Well, if Blinky's gone, then who's going to be the Dreamy One in this blog?
Emma: I know! Lets open auditions!
Lena: Gasp! It'll be just like a Stephen Sondheim musical!
Lanna: Yes, but with more mockery!
All: Hurray! Now let's give each other facials and talk about boys!

The next day, a crowd is gathered around Blinky's old cube in Widgets Inc. As we approach the crowd, we see a sign:
CONTEST
Are you dreamy? I mean really, really dreamy?
Come compete against other dreamy guys in the
DREAMY ONE CONTEST
First Prize: Official status as the Stream of Lies' "Dreamy One"
Second Prize: collect $10
Contact Emma and Wanda for details.

Doug: I'm entering.
Jaya: I'm entering as well... and I will beat you! Watch!

Jaya flexes his mighty muscles.

Ann: Sigh. He's so dreamy!
Steve: Ha! You couldn't beat Doug's way out of a paper bag. I'm a shoo in for this contest.

Steve strikes a pose.

Doug: Sigh. He's so dreamy!

Everyone stares at Doug.

Doug: What? Can't a guy look at things objectively?
Boris: Bah. I think you are all forgetting one thing. Chicks dig a guy who has a cigarette dangling out of his mouth! I will win!
MacroMan: Sorry Boris, women want cool macros. You don't have a chance with me in the contest!
Doug: Well then, lets all go enter.
Steve: Good idea. I predict that this contest will go forward in a serious, straightforward manner, with no humor whatsoever.
Boris: I don't see why not.

They all run off to register.

SWAMP FOX!

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:48:42 GMT

Emma: SWAMP FOX! SWAMP FOX! Tail on his hat! Emma knows where the Swamp Fox'll be at! SWAMP FOX! SWAMP FOX! Out on DVD! Won't you come and watch with me?
Blinky: What's wrong with Emma?
Solies: She has Swamp Fox Fever.
Blinky: Is it contagious?
Solies: No.
Blinky: Hm. I think I'll leave anyway.
Solies: Right.

Blinky and Solies exit.

Emma: SWAMP FOX! SWAMP FOX! SWAMP FOX!

Phoenix, part 2

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 17:10:19 GMT

Ring, ring.

Screech: Ahoy, ahoy. Madison residence.
Solies: Blinky, please.
Screech: One moment. Evil master? You're wanted on the speaking box.
Blinky: Thanks. Now begone. Hello, Blinky, Gangster of Love, speaking.
Solies: It's me, Solies.
Blinky: Oh right. How are those new face bandages working out for you?
Solies: Never mind that. I need your help. What do you feed a phoenix? I keep giving him bird seed, but he's uninterested.
Blinky: You know, chickens ingest gravel, so logically an exploding bird would ingest pop rocks.
Solies: Great idea, thanks.

Click.

Later, Blinky is on the phone.

Blinky: So the pop rocks didn't work, eh?
Solies: Yeah. He exploded. There were feathers everywhere, it was horrible. He's fine now, though. A bit scrawny.
Blinky: Of course. Okay, lets think about this. A phoenix is a mythological creature, so logically it would eat mythological food -- ambrosia! You know how to make ambrosia, right?
Solies: Of course! I grew up in the midwest. I'll go shopping for marshmallows right now!
Blinky: Good man.

Click.

Later, Blinky is on the phone.

Blinky: Well, how was I supposed to know there's two kinds of ambrosia! I'm not a master chef, you know. ... Okay, listen. A phoenix is an Egyptian bird, so we need to feed it Egyptian food. I know! Sand! ... Hey, don't bite my head off, it was just a suggestion. Sheesh. How about falafel? ... Sure, okay, bye.

Later, Blinky is on the phone.

Blinky: ... Snubbed the falafel, huh? Perhaps it feeds on a different flaming mythological creature. Salamanders! ... I don't know, go root around in the stream or something. ... Okay, bye.

Later, Blinky is on the phone.

Blinky: ... Okay, okay, calm down. I didn't know salamanders could bite so hard either. So how is Polly, anyway?
Solies: Fat and happy!
Blinky: Great! What did you end up feeding it?
Solies: You know that bird seed I was using? I set it on fire. He just gobbled it up?
Blinky: How ironic.
Solies: Yes. The irony is incredible. It's the most ironic thing I've ever seen.
Blinky: I don't know what ironic means.
Solies: Me neither. Well, bye.

Later, Blinky is on the phone.

Blinky: ... Oh, for pity's sake, how should I know what kind of music phoenixes like? Put on some klezmer or something and go to sleep. (hangs up)

Phoenix

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 21:18:17 GMT

Ring, ring.

Screech: Ahoy, ahoy. Madison residence.
Solies: Blinky, please.
Screech: One moment. Sir? It's for you.
Blinky: Thanks. Now get back to scrubbing those toilets.
Screech: Yes sir.
Blinky: Hello. Blinky, Prime Minister of Funk speaking.
Solies: It's me, Solies. So, Screech is still your slave, huh?
Blinky: I prefer the term "indentured servant". Yeah, for the next few weeks anyway. So, how's the new job? Contracting in Phoenix, Arizona. I hear it's pretty nice out there.
Solies: Yeah, about that. There was a slight miscommunication. The job isn't actually in Phoenix... it's taking care of a phoenix.
Blinky: Oh, one of those big birds that explodes every so often?
Solies: Yeah. I've got him sitting on my shoulder right now. I'm teaching him to speak. Say "pieces of eight", Polly. Arr!
Blinky: Yeah. Uh, Solies? I don't think that's such a great idea. First of all, pirates have parrots, not phoenixes.
Solies: Maybe the lame ones. And don't you mean "phoenices"?
Blinky: No. And secondly...
Solies: Ahh! My head is on fire! My head is on fire! Stop drop and roll!
Blinky: Oh, you figured it out yourself. Never mind. (hangs up)

Lena's Ode, part 3

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:15:52 GMT

Blinky: Well, I'm here.
Lena: Oh, what are you here for?
Blinky: I'm here to audition for your geek chorus.
Lena: First of all, it's not a geek chorus, it's a Greek chorus. Secondly, auditions are closed. They have been closed for quite some time. And thirdly, please tell all your former Widget Inc. co-workers to stop pestering me. I haven't been able to watch Inside Edition in peace for days.
Blinky: Sor-ry! Yeesh. I'll just leave, then.
Lena: Yes, thank you.
Blinky: Good bye, Steve.
Greek chorus member #1: Bye Blinky.

Lena's Ode, part 2

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:08:57 GMT

Takis: Well, I am here.
Lena: For what?
Takis: I am here to audition for your Greek chorus.
Lena: I'm sorry, but there are no openings at present.
Takis: Sure there are. Look at them. Not one Greek among them. You call that a Greek chorus? Now me, I'm 100% prime Greek, fresh off the grill. (chucks Lena's shoulder) Hey, did I ever tell you about the pig-bone game?
Lena: Yes. Please don't touch me.
Takis: Hey, no problem. Your wish is my command. See? How's that for service. You get that level of service from these guys? I don't think so. Want some yogurt?
Lena: Look, auditions are closed. Please leave.
Takis: Fine. I will leave. But I'm telling you, one day you're going to regret this choice.
Greek chorus: Regret.
Takis: See? Their enunciation is off. "Regret" should be pronounced to rhyme with "egret". You know, the bird? One lives in my back yard.
Lena: Please, please go.
Takis: Hey, ok fine. Good bye, guys.
Greek chorus: Bye.

Lena's Ode, part 1

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:01:59 GMT

Lena: Oh woe is me.
Greek chorus: Why the woe?
Lena: All my friends have been laid off, and I stubbed my toe.
Greek chorus: Woe.
Lena: Also, these breadsticks are a bit stale.
Greek chorus: Whoa.
Lena: Oh how I wish...
Greek chorus: Why the wish?
Lena: ...that my friends would come visit me in my new house. I'd cook up some fish.
Greek chorus: Wish.
Lena: And then we could go trick-or-treating.
Greek chorus: Witch.
Lena: Oh how I rue the day!
Greek chorus: Why the rue?
Lena: I am shackled to my desk when I could be enjoying a vacation in Australia, the sky an azure hue...
Greek chorus: Rue.
Lena: ...frolicking with the marsupials.
Greek chorus: Roos.
Lena: Oh, how I hunger for life!
Greek chorus: Why the hunger?
Lena: I haven't eaten all day.
Greek chorus: Oh, would you like to share some of our souvlaki?
Lena: Yes! You guys are the best Greek chorus ever.
Greek chorus: Endeavor.

Promotion, part 5

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 21:30:47 GMT

Solies, Blinky, Emma, and the rest are standing outside the offices of Widgets Inc. The Widgets Inc. sign has been overlaid with a hand-painted sign reading "CLOSED INDEFINITELY".

Blinky: Hey, way to drive the company into bankruptcy, Solies.
Solies: Why, thank you. I... hey!
Emma: Yeah. Who could have predicted that selling ice in the Arctic circle would be such a bust. Hmm? I say, who could have predicted...
Solies: Quiet, you. Still, Steve did pretty well in the Antarctic circle.

Lexie, outside the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station, is sitting atop a humongous block of ice.

Lexie: Yes! It's mine, all mine! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Penguin: Quack?

Solies: Well, live a little, learn a little.
Boris: Lose jobs a little. Starve a little. Bah.
Solies: Hey, don't be that way. I suffered, too. My stock options plummeted to only a few million dollars before I was able to give the "sell" order. But don't worry. I haven't forgotten you, my loyal drones, er, friends.
Emma: You're going to share your millions of dollars with us?
Solies: Better! I bought everyone an ermine robe!

Solies hands out ermine robes to everyone.

All: Hooray! Hooray for Solies! Hooray!

Solies: ...and that's exactly what happened.
Karl: Except for the part where, instead of shouting "hooray", they all beat you up.
Solies: Yes, except for that.