DID YOU KNOW? featuring Emma!

Emma: Did you know that the common mountain lion, Puma concolor, is known by many names? Yes, in different areas of North America, this majestic cat is known as the puma, the cougar, the catamount, and even the Florida panther! You can use this advantage to your knowledge.

Police officer: What happened to you?
Co-worker #1: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a cougar.
Police officer: And you?
Co-worker #2: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a puma.
Police officer: And what about you?
Co-worker #3: I told Emma I wouldn't review her docs. I was immediately attacked by a catamount.
Police officer: I see no connection.

Emma is holding a shirt labeled "Co-worker #4" in front of a mountain lion's nose. The mountain lion has the words "Florida panther" painted on its side.

Emma: Here, boy. Get the scent. ... Oh, we're back! You can learn more about these remarkable creatures at your local library or online. Tune in next time for another installment of DID YOU KNOW? featuring me, Emma!

Emma, smiling at the camera, makes hand motions to the mountain lion. It bounds away, stage left. Soon we hear human screams from the same direction.

Emma: Tee hee.

An Interruption

We interrupt our current storyline...

Lena: What current storyline?

Quiet, you. We interrupt our current storyline to bring you this.

Emma: Hey Solies. Ready for lunch? Hey, you shaved off your goatee!

The clean-shaven Solies turns to face Emma.

Solies: ... Oh, it's Emma. How disappointing.
Emma: Solies? Disappointed to see me?

Just then a second, goateed, Solies walks through the door. He is wearing a Red Sox hat.

Solies: Emma! Wow, I'm never disappointed to see you. I... hey, who's that?

The clean-shaven Solies smarmily puts on a New York Yankees hat.

Emma: Gasp! It must be... Negative Solies!
Solies: The legends are true!
Negative Solies: Bwa ha ha!

To be continued. Or possibly not.

The Flyers

Solies is attaching a flyer to a wall with a staple gun. The flyer features a photograph of a turkey along with the text "HAVE YOU SEEN ME?". He moves a few feet down and attaches a second, identical flyer. Lena is a few feet behind him, sitting in a comfy chair. She looks up from the book she is reading.

Lena: You know, Solies, I have some experience with marketing campaigns, and I just don't think you're using your resources as effectively as you could be.
Solies: I just want to get the word out about Tim.
Lena: Of course you do. But I don't think this is the right way to go about it. I mean, as popular as I am, I just feel that you'll get more people to see your flyers if you post them outside my house.

Solies looks around. He is in Lena's living room. Every square inch of the walls is covered with a flyer.

Solies: (dejected) Oh, it's hopeless. Tim won't be back. "Son, y'all cain't never trust a turkey to come home," as dear Ma Solies used to say.
Lena: She used to say that? Because that's kind of an odd thing to repeatedly say.
Solies: But what hurts the most isn't the personal betrayal or the large and ultimately useless investment in Turkey Chow.... No, what hurts the most is that I let down the blog. I can just picture the hordes of little Stream of Lies viewers... their little eyes brimming with tears... "No, little Suzie. No, little Elmer. Tim the Turkey won't be on Stream of Lies Tonight."
Lena: You might be making too big of a deal out of this. After all, you never had a mascot before. Or hordes of little kid fans. In fact, you still don't. And besides, there are about a million animals regularly featured in the blog. Can't you just pick one of them?
Solies: Lena! You're a genius!

Solies beats it out the door.

Lena: Honestly, that's the last time I let him borrow my staple gun.

I beam for eye beams

Emma, dressed suspiciously like Emma Frost: So. You've come.
Cyclops, looking suspiciously like Scott Marsden: Don't act so coy. You knew I wouldn't be able to stay away.
Emma: But what about Jean?
Cyclops: How could I even look at her when you're near? You know how I feel.
Emma: Do I?

Cyclops embraces Emma roughly.

Cyclops: Oh, I think you do.
Emma: Oh, Cyclops!
Cyclops: Oh, Emma!

Slowly, their lips near. Abruptly, an alarm sounds.

Emma: Huh?
Cyclops: Egad, that's the proximity alarm! The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants must be attacking! Quick, to the X-Jet!

Cyclops discards Emma like an old Big Mac wrapper and races off.

Emma: Proximity alarm?

The dream fades away as Emma wakes up to the sound of her alarm clock.

Emma: Darn it!

Blinking disappointedly, she takes in her surroundings. Jumpie is alseep next to her.

Emma: (poking) Psst, Jumpie.
Jumpie: Zzzzvrlxzz.
Emma: (poking harder) Jumpie!
Jumpie: Zzhwah? Huh?

Jumpie opens his eyes. Emma is visibly disappointed.

Jumpie: What? What's going on?
Emma: Nothing.
Jumpie: ... Were you checking to see if I had laser eye beams again?
Emma: No... (downcast) yes.
Jumpie: You know, I find it upsetting... nay, disturbing to know that you'd like me better if I mutated.
Emma: Not if you mutated. Just if you mutated in one specific way so as to resemble a fictional character from a child's comic book.
Jumpie: Oh, that's fine then. (returns to sleep)
  • Current Music
    Count Basie and the Mills Brothers, "April in Paris"
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The Case of the Masticated Mascot

Blinky is standing inside a spacious ballroom, packed with people in formal court dress. Queen Elizabeth II is placing a medal around his neck. In the audience we see such celebrities as the Duke of York, Sir Ian McKellan, and Iggy Pop.

HM the Queen: We dub thee Sir Blinksalot.
Iggy Pop: Rock on!

A cell phone goes off to the tune of "Merrily We Roll Along".

Blinky: Oops, 'scuse me. (answers) Hiya, Chief!
Chief: (on the phone) Blinky, come to my office right away. I have a case for you.
Blinky: Right away, chief! (hangs up) Sorry, Toots, but duty calls.

Blinky runs and leaps through a stained glass window.

Blinky: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa... (splash)
HM the Queen: What a strange person.


Solies is standing inside a spacious ballroom, packed with people in formal military dress. Princess Leia is placing a medal around his neck. In the audience we see such celebrities as Grand Moff Tarkin, Chewbacca, and Admiral Ackbar.

Princess Leia: I dub thee Sir Solenoid.

A cell phone goes off to the tune of "Ana Ng".

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!
Solies: Oops, 'scuse me. (answers) Hey there, Chief!
Chief: (on the phone) Solies, come to my office right away. I have a case for you.
Solies: Uh...

Solies looks up at Princess Leia. She winks back.

Solies: Say, Chief, can this wait for a day or so? I've got a hot date tonight...
Chief: I don't care if you've got plans to go skinny-dipping with Bill the Cat! Get over here now! Now! Now! Now! ...

The scene fades. We see Solies laying in bed. The Chief is standing over him, screaming into a megaphone.

Chief: ... Now! Now! Now! Get up now, Solies!
Solies: Hey man, what are you doing in my room?
Chief: Never mind that. Just get dressed and get to my office pronto! (leaves)
Solies: Wow. It really was a trap.


The Chief is sitting at his desk, doing paperwork. There is a knock at the door. It opens. Blinky and Solies enter. They are both wearing medals around their necks.

Blinky: You sent for us, Bernard?
Chief: Bernard? Call me "Chief." And yes I... Solies, where did you get that med... never mind, I don't want to know. Sit down.

Blinky and Solies sit.

Chief: I'm putting you on a missing persons case. You know Tim the Turkey?
Solies: The lovable mascot of Stream of Lies? Who doesn't know Tim the Turkey!
Chief: Well, he's gone missing.
Solies: Gasp!

Blinky shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

Chief: This is the latest photograph we have of Tim. As you can see, he looks much more upset, hairy, and gagged than usual. And his feathers are duct-taped on. He looks sort of gibbonesque.
Blinky: (nervously) Isn't that just part of his religious observance?
Chief: That's what his PR person said, but the police department suspects it's a double. That's what I want you two dolts to investigate.
Solies: Any clues, Chief?
Chief: Just this. (holds up a fork in a plastic bag) A fork emblazoned with the Madison family coat of arms, found at Tim's last public engagement.
Solies: No need to worry, Chief... Blinky and Solies are on the case!

Solies breaks out laughing. He high-fives Blinky. Blinky leaves him hanging. They exit.

Chief: Ugh, what loons. But maybe they'll find the little buzzard. (addressing a flat frog in a frame on the wall) What do you think, Froggy?
Chief: You're right. He's doomed.

The Chief returns to his paperwork. The camera slowly pans over to the window, where we see a trenchcoated man lurking in the shadows. Freeze frame -- End Act I -- roll commercial.

The Mascot

Solies: Hello and welcome back to Stream of Lies. As you probably noticed, Stream of Lies was on hiatus for retooling...
Lena: Which means Solies wasn't giving us our paychecks.
Solies: Quiet you. Anyway, that's all over now. The coming year will feature more thrills, more drama, and even more comedy (12% new) than before. We're expecting 2008 to be our best year ever, right gang?
Lena (aka "the gang"): Woo.
Solies: Well said. So now we'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the new Stream of Lies mascot, Tim the Turkey! (applauds) Blinky, bring out Tim. ... Blinky!

Blinky emerges from the back. He is wearing a bib and gnawing on a big, meaty drumstick.

Blinky: What's all the hubbub, bub?
Solies: It's time to introduce our new mascot, Tim the Turkey. You were the one taking care of him, right?
Blinky: Oh, yeah. He was delicious.
Solies: You... you ate Tim? You ate our mascot?
Blinky: Mascot? Ahh... nooooo. I was just testing... your hearing! I'd never eat that little main course. He's perfectly safe and tasty... HEALTHY! I said healthy. I'll... I'll just go get him, shall I?
Solies: Please do.

Blinky goes behind the curtain. There is a brief pause. We hear voices coming from the back. "I certainly will not! Are you deranged?" "C'mere, you little rodent!" We hear the unmistakable sounds of a scuffle. Finally, emerges from the back.

Solies: Ah, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Tim the Turkey!
Blinky: Yessiree Bob, what we've got here is one gen-yoo-ine turkey, Meleagris capucinus. Nothing fake here.
Solies: Uh, is Tim ok? He looks sort of... upset. And hairy. And gagged. With his feathers duct-taped on.
Blinky: It's part of his religious observance. Show some sensitivity!
Solies: Oh! My apologies. ... Mazeltov.
Tim the Turkey: Mmph!
Solies: So, Tim, how about a few words for our audience.
Tim the Turkey: Mmph!
Solies: Very touching. From all of us here at Stream of Lies, thanks for tuning in. Good night.

The Conversation

Blinky and Emma are standing next to a watercooler. Blinky's hair and clothes are singed, and smoke is coming off the top of his head.

Emma: Why are you still smouldering?
Blinky: Beats me. Oh, by the way, I talked to Solies last week.
Emma: Squee! It's true! He has returned to save us from the... the... um... hm. Why has he returned?
Blinky: What am I, Emma's personal Help Desk? All I know is I talked to him.
Emma: Fine, then. So, how is he?
Blinky: ...
Emma: You asked him how he was, didn't you?
Blinky: Not in so many words.
Emma: Men! So, what's he up to?
Blinky: ...
Emma: What are his plans for the new year?
Blinky: ...
Emma: Did he miss us?
Blinky: ...
Emma: Argh! What exactly did you talk about?
Blinky: Oh, it was great! We compared notes on rib take-out places in the greater Boston area. For 5 hours.
Emma: And?
Blinky: That's all.
Emma: (enraged) Why couldn't you have been born a woman? At least then I could have gotten some useful information out of this conversation!
Blinky: Hey, don't yell at me! I didn't ask to be born a man. In fact, I always wanted to be... a lumberjack!
Emma: Actually, I think most lumberjacks are men.
Blinky: Really? Woo hoo! (dons a took) I'm headed to British Columbia! I'll see you losers in your necktie prisons later!

With a mighty leap, Blinky bounds away, swinging from tree to tree.

Emma: ...but I don't wear a necktie. Oh well.
  • Current Music
    Deanna Witkowski, "leaving Space (Last Cha-Cha in Chi-Town)"
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Meet Blinky Madison

Blinky and Solies are standing next to a watercooler. Blinky's hair and clothes are singed, and smoke is coming off the top of his head.

Blinky: ...and once they started shooting fire at me, I took off running, dooming my companions to a lifetime of slavery. Sad, really. How was your weekend?
Solies: Not bad, not bad. I'm still trying to get used to this crazy future world of yours.
Blinky: You were only in that iceberg ten months. What's different?
Solies: Oh, everything! I mean, back in the past (where I come from) we had live-action documentaries about penguins. Here in the future you have cartoons about them.
Blinky: I never realized. The shock must have been horrific.
Solies: It's worse! In the past, it only took me five minutes to drive to the nearest swing dance hall. But now the nearest one is ten minutes away!
Blinky: Horrible!
Solies: But worst of all... sob, choke...
Blinky: Let it out, man.
Solies: car has slightly more rust on it that before!

Trembling, Blinky falls to his knees. The camera cuts to a crane shot twirling high above him as he screams to the heavens.

Solies: I know, I know.
Blinky: (standing up) Well, that's all the time I have for that. I've got to get back to work. Mr. Spacely likes me to be prompt.

Blinky pushes a button on his briefcase. It transforms into a retro-60's-futuristic spaceshift. He climbs inside and flies away.

Solies: Well, at least some things stay the same.
  • Current Music
    Buena Vista Social Club, "El Cuarto de Tula"
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The Return of Solies

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the Four Nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed, and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, an airbender named Solies. And although his airbending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he's ready to save anyone. But I believe Solies can save the world.

Sokka: Do it again! Show us your awesome airbending skills again!
Solies: (whistling) Fweet!
Katara and Sokka: Amazing!
Solies: It's easy. You just put your lips together... and blow.
Sokka: He really is the Avatar!
Katara: Great! So now you can lead us in our fight against the vicious Fire Nation.
Solies: I do what now?
Sokka: The Fire Nation. It's a huge place filled with angry people who shoot fire out of their hands.
Katara: Mostly at you.
Sokka: Yeah. So let's go!
Solies: Yeah, about that, I was thinking... y'know... of not doing that.
Katara: Look, we thawed you out of that iceberg you were stuck in for the last hundred years.
Solies: Ten months.
Katara: Hundred years. Therefore you're the Avatar and you have to go face certain death, or at least massive third-degree burns, to save our people.
Solies: I don't like this deal.
Sokka: Look. We thawed you out. You owe us. You're abusing the special bond between thawer and thawee.
Solies: I have an idea. What if I get you a replacement Avatar?
Katara and Sokka: Hmm...


Blinky: (whistling) Fweet!
Katara and Sokka: Amazing!
Blinky: It's easy. You just put your lips together... and blow.
Sokka: He really is the... I mean, an Avatar!
Katara: Great! So now you can lead us in our fight against the vicious Fire Nation.
Blinky: I do what now?
  • Current Music
    Avatar: The Last Airbender theme song
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